Four Ways The World Could End In Lagos

Different cultures have different versions of how the world will end. Somehow, somewhere, a group of people believe that the sea will swallow the entire world and we will all meet our collective waterloo. Heh. See what I did there? Some believe that the world will end in a disastrous rain of fire. But I don't think we have our own version in Nigeria, a version that's peculiar to us as the interesting people that we are. So, as a patriotic Nigerian, I've come up with a few theories and I'd love to get your views.
1. We will all die in traffic
When you think traffic, you think Lagos. They're synonyms of each other really. I had this idea when I was stuck in traffic for only fifteen minutes. It wasn't even proper Lagos traffic sef.  Just toll gate wahala. But I wanted to die. It felt like forever. I really don't like to wait, so if you want to torture me, that's the most efficient way. So yeah, the world may end in traffic, most likely on third mainland bridge.

2. An all-out conductor-passenger fight
There's also the possibility that the world will end in a fight, like an actual war between Lagos bus conductors and passengers. I can see it in my head right now. One conductor delays in giving you change( because let's be honest, he's hoping you'll forget). You, in your "You no fit cheat me, I don tay for Lagos" mentality will shove him. He'll shove you. You'll get the support of your fellow passengers. You will all start yelling. The driver will park, and everybody will get down and start to hit each other because you are Lagosians and you people are violent. Then other conductors get in on the brawl and everybody picks a side and starts to fight. Yep.  A good old conductor apocalypse.

3.  A Body odour break-out
Another likely apocalyptic scene is that we will all get suffocated by body odour while trying to get from Lekki to Surulere. Of course, this possibility would be eliminated if we could all just make use of deodorant like normal people.  But that's not possible, is it? You know those movies where a virus is released in the air and everybody starts to act rabid and kill each other? Yeah, exactly. Except that this time, it is not a virus. Just sweat from person wey never baff since last week.

4. Employee revolt
The audacity of Lagos employers could trigger the apocalypse and I'm not even joking. Look at this: You go through a series of gruelling interviews and tests to land one miserable job. Okay na. You've done it. There's an agreed job description and you agree on a salary. The salary does not in any way match the tasks or your qualifications, but the country's hard so you make do. You got in as an accountant but somehow you are also a logistics officer, a personal assistant, they discover that you know a thing about cars too, so voila! You are a mechanic. You can sing too, so you are bootleg Beyonce at company events. And when the time to get paid comes, you are begging for your own salary. Inside life. Or afterlife in this case.
Maybe one day, employees will get sick of it and eat their employers' brains. Yum. And if that is not the apocalypse, I don't know what is.

This is really just my way of passing across my message about the things that bother me about Lagos
1. Traffic is hell. I have no advice on what to do about it, but someone should please make it stop.
2. Stop trying to cheat people out of their own money
3. Please have your bath when you should, and use deodorant, I beg you.
4. Again, stop trying to cheat people.
Have a hitch-free week, and it is my sincerest prayer that body odour does not kill you inside bus.