Five Kinds Of People In Isolation

In light of the COVID-19, Lagos, Abuja and Ogun states have been put on lockdown for fourteen days to curb the spread of the virus. In other states that have not been put on complete lockdown, there is restricted movement and it is not business as usual at all. You already knew that because you have not been living under a rock.
One thing a lot of us have in common is that we are actually not opposed to the idea of staying at home. We're just angry that we don't have the option of going out. Admit it. It's not like you had a life before. You just don't like being told what to do, especially by Buhari.
I just want you to get a look at how people are surviving their own jail term. Maybe you'll be motivated to do something useful with your time like, I don't know, get out of your bed and have your bath, you detty pig.
I've concluded that there are five kinds of people during the lockdown. There might be other types but that's your business. It's my blog and if I say there are five, there are five. We already know which one you are, couch potato. So sit back, relax and read, like you have a choice.

1. THE JOBLESS ONES, AKA YOU
All these ones don't do anything with their day except eat and press phone. I know you. They beg you to have your bath because your people can't remember the last time soap touched your body and they are afraid you yourself are a special strain of the virus. This is a lockdown, not the apocalypse. No need to start smelling like a zombie. Please put your folks at ease and bathe dear. Thank you.

2. THE PRODUCTIVE ONES
All these ones must have been developed in test tubes because I don't know how you people can do anything with yourselves knowing that you are in prison. While we're kikiki-ing on Twitter and pitting our equally bored celebrities against each other, all these ones are taking courses online, cleaning their rooms, reading new books, learning to fly and finding where Abacha stashed money away. We're going to need you people to lay sanitized hands on us and transfer some anointing. You're doing well.

3. SOCIAL MEDIA RATS
Tik tok, them dey. House Party, them dey. Snapchat, yes sir. They're even sending anonymous messages to each other and causing world war 3. They just wake up in the morning, have baths, wear wigs and high heels to come and tension the rest of us that don't have lives. A proverb in my language loosely translates to "House no dey contain who fine" and that best describes them at this point. Coro wetin? No virus, bacteria or fungus can infect their slay. The drip is highly immune and forever-living, Amen?
What I don't get is how you feel at the end of the day when you're washing all that makeup off after not going anywhere. Do you feel fulfilled, sad? Tell me please.

4. THE ONES THAT WORK WANTS TO KILL
It was a whole struggle before your company even agreed to close because as we all know, employers do not give a rat's ass about your life. When they finally closed, work followed you home. They bombard you with calls and keep you on your toes even when everybody's aware that not a single soul cares about the services your company offers at this point in time. We're all just hoping we get to survive this and continue our lives. If this is you, I'm sending love, light and hand sanitizer your way. I hope you're alright.

5. THE ONES STILL WALKING FREELY ABOUT BECAUSE ALL THIS IS NOT THEIR BUSINESS
I sincerely hope nobody's still in this category but I've seen pictures of people coming out to do the most unnecessary things, like playing football and running with their friends. So you mean to tell me that if you don't run, you will wither and die? It's not like all the running you've been doing before all this has done anything for you because you're still eating amala in the middle of the night. Please make it make sense. I can't understand. Why are you outside? Where are you going? Please go home and stay there. Olodo.
There are sub-categories like the conspiracy theorists, people whose lives are completely unaffected by this because they've been working from home since 19-gbelele and are completely antisocial.
Whatever category you belong to, please stay home, observe basic precautionary measures and WASH YOUR HANDS. You are not only doing this for yourself, but you are also protecting your family and other people too. We will conquer this if you do your part and I do mine. Protect yourself by staying at home and not texting your ex. See you on the other side.