Grey Honda

I had another epiphany today. 

I may be looking at it from a perspective that is only mine, so I may be perceived by others as wrong. But today and to myself, I am right. 

People say I know how to make people like me. Maybe they are right and maybe I can. Till a few hours ago, I had no idea why anyone thought I could make people like me. I’m not even a big fan of people.

 So why would you like me?

Last night, somebody did something for me that was from a place of love. It was clear and it was impossible for me to question it. And that’s a big deal for me, a person who has an unshakable habit of looking a gift horse in the mouth. If you give me love that I think I haven’t somehow earned, I will question it. I don’t believe in unconditional love. Wait, that’s wrong. I do believe in it. I just know that it is very rare so I don’t believe that you will have it for me. I mean, what are the odds?

My epiphany was this: I’m a low maintenance person. I’m a low maintenance child, lover, worker, everything. 

When a person hurts my feelings, I first worry about how bad they’ll feel if I tell them. I’m hurt but I’m worried about how awkward they’ll feel if I say something about it. So I almost always let it go. I let everything go. You’d be mad at me if you knew the kind of things I’ve let go in my life. 

People usually like to go with the least stressful options in life. You do it, yeah? We all want an easy way out. That’s exactly what I am: an easy way out. I don’t require anything to keep me going. If we’re friends, you don’t need to water the flowers of our friendship or something for me to be there for you. If we’re more than friends, you know me. You have most likely pointed it out to me. I have no expectations of you at all. It’s an easy place to be. I see why you people think I’m a hot cake. LOL

I am not hot. I am easy.

It was really cold last night. I don’t mean the weather. Yeah, sure the weather was cold, but I think a bit of it got into me. I was going home to have the saddest night I’ve had in a while. It was a really tough day yesterday. I called the person who is currently my safest space and vented. It wasn’t really venting. I just dropped bombs, because I was already exploding inside.

10:29pm: I’m at your gate.

When I got that text, I was sorry because that is how I am wired to be. 

If I tell you something that makes you go out of your way, even if you do it out of love, I will be sorry. Because in my head, there is no way in hell you are doing it out of love for me. If it is not to your benefit, I will assume that you are being inconvenienced for me. I don’t like it, so I will be sorry. 

But last night, I got into a Honda with a person who listened to me from 10:30pm till almost midnight. 

To be honest, I thought I had gone through all my deep self-realization phases. There have been so many of them that I didn’t believe there was anything left to learn about myself. I know that’s weird because I am young. I have more years ahead of me than behind me, God willing. But that is how I feel. How I have felt for a while before the Grey Honda pulled up for the first time. 

See, I get that I’m a difficult person to understand if you are not listening.

Ah, I’m doing it again. This is the kind of thing I'm trying to rid myself of. I’m not a difficult person to understand if you are listening. If you are not listening, that’s on you, not me. 

Unlearning this self-subdual is going to take a while because even as I write this, I am trying to make peace with a situation that will ruin my state of mind. I am supposed to be trying to do something to change it, but here I am, thinking about how to live with it.

I think I’ve gone nuts.

I have no sense of self-preservation when it matters.

I don’t know how long I’ll have the Grey Honda, but last night, it felt good to be considered and it felt even better to not feel bad about being prioritized. It felt good to have someone angry on my behalf when I cannot be angry for myself. I never entertain anger, even when I am within my right to let it stay and even fester. 

At the end of these things, I usually have some big, fancy moral lesson to share. So here it goes:

Please don’t let people walk all over you. Be willing to stand up for yourself and speak your mind when you should. Don’t hoard your emotions, feeding on it while waiting for it to take away your essence and kill you because it will. It will kill you. You will be alive and all, but believe me, you will die every day. 

How are you feeling today? 

I hope your week is going well.