ONLINE DATING SITES: THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO A NIGERIAN WOMAN

Love is my favourite thing to talk about- all kinds of love. It is one of the most fascinating things in the world to me. The journey to finding it, finding it and losing it, finding it and keeping it, until you lose it, all of that constitute some of the biggest parts of our adulthood. People have capitalized on this fascination of ours and built the lucrative business of online dating sites.

Don’t form for me. You are searching for love, whether you know it or not. You want to be seen for who you are and accepted because of it, or despite it, for those of you who are just terrible people.

Even if you are a loner who doesn’t seek any form of human interaction, it’s there. (Source: I no fit lie give you).

But on a more serious or lighter note, I have so much to get off my chest today. I don’t know if wanting to talk about this particular topic was somehow influenced by one Oloni thread on Twitter from way back about women realising their men hate them. If you haven’t seen it, here you go. It's wild!

I feel like it further buttresses my point about everybody wanting love because there is some vile stuff on there and I cannot wrap my mind around why people would be dragged through that kind of hell if the search for love wasn’t a major part of our existence.

While we’re on the topic of unpleasant experiences, I want to tell you about a prison in Nigeria. It’s a global ministry really. This place is teeming with prisoners, guilty and innocent, and so many broken dreams that it may look like there is nowhere left to sit on the stinking floor. But no matter how crowded the cells are, there is always room for one more prisoner. It may be you, it may be me, it may be someone by your side.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Talking Stage.

I’ve been on a couple of dating platforms. Dating sites in Nigeria will have you laughing, in shock or just terrified. If you haven’t been on any of these platforms, you’re lucky. Once you get in, it drains the life out of you. Not me though, I command the streets. Hehehe. I'm kidding. I’m just used to human interaction. I loathe it, but I’m used to it. Plus, I'm a charmer if I do say so myself.

If you’re considering a dating platform, kindly take this as a sign not to even bother. But if you have coconut head, read on. I’ve put together some tips that may help you wade through the murky, disgusting waters of  dating apps. I don’t want you to be too shocked when you get in.

1. YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE ON A DATING APP: There is a reason I put this in caps. Almost everybody is mad there. You will meet the kind of people you didn’t even know existed: people who will ask you straight off the bat if you want to be dominated by them. I’m not kidding. People do use that as a conversation starter in real life. You’ll probably also see things like;

“Can we get off this app? I think I want to marry you.”

I find that cute, but being a rational human being, I also know that statements like that would probably come from psychopaths that would put camphor in your tea if you marry them.

Also, everybody is doing who-cup there. If you’re a man, you should probably prepare yourself to receive rates unprovoked from people in this interesting line of business. May the force be with you, my gee.

2. Be open to making friends: This is one lesson I learned early from my time on dating apps. You can make friends anywhere. Some of my pals are people I swiped right on. I haven’t even met some of them before. We just talk to each other about our day, work, food and life in general. You see, the one thing about me is I can friendzone anybody. It literally doesn’t matter to me how much of a spec you are. I don’t have fear of missing out when it comes to people. My friendzone is open 24/7. Anyone can get in at anytime and drinks are on the house. I hear that sometimes the occupants of the friendzone don’t know they’re friend-zoned. So when I have to set them straight, it looks like I’ve led them on the whole time. Okay, I led you on but you sef dey follow me, so who really is to blame here?

3. Behold, The Talking Stage: At one point in my time on dating apps, my bio said “I’m in a talking stage with half of Lagos. It felt true at the time. I’d matched with so many people. I didn’t know what to do with them. I answered so many “Tell me about yourself” questions, I could have written an entire book about myself. It was wild. When I got tired, I deleted the account because it can't be me you people will kill with your boring questions. The talking stage is the ghetto.

4. Lower your expectations of romantic love: If you haven’t been out much and you got most of your ideas on romance, from books and movies, sorry to you. You are in for the rudest awakening. People are nothing like that in real life obviously. We are all a bit disappointing to be honest, so don’t take it to heart. Look at me for example. If you read most of the stuff I’ve done for work in the last year, you’d think I’m the fittest, healthiest human being but in real life, I’ve never found healthy eating attractive enough and I’ve never seen the inside of a gym. I currently write about smart finance, but sometimes I spend recklessly like Pablo Escobar left me a small fortune. I usually regret it later. LOL

With the way my articles go, you should know by now that this is where I get serious and drop the lesson you should learn, and this is it: If you tend to wander and get lost, it would probably be best to avoid dating platforms. I wander a bit but I like to think that I am firmly anchored in reality. There is a figurative chain around my waist that lets me move as far away as I would like, but when it is time, I can always find my way home, back to myself.

Please never be ashamed of your desire to be loved. You are not a pathetic loser if you want to love and be loved. No one is an island and it is okay to admit you want or need companionship. There are so many people telling themselves that they don’t want it. They say it so many times that you start to feel uncomfortable.

Are you telling me or telling yourself?

When you get to meet someone new, I think you can pretty much tell from the onset whether you want them to be platonic friends or you might give them a chance at wrecking your life later. If you decide from the jump that they're going to be just friends, great for you. If however, you know that you fall under the second category, you probably are on your way down a lane of confusion and emotional turmoil. Right after you recognize the presence of possibility between you two, what comes next is the talking stage. You have to get to know each other better- a slow and excruciating death march.

KNOWING EACH OTHER BETTER

In a perfect world, I would say this is important. I would tell you that you need to get a good view of what you're considering getting into and prepare yourself accordingly. But we all know what dating looks like in Nigeria. If you are oblivious, click here.

Let me go on to point that with the way the world is, and the way humans seem to be emotionally evolving backwards, you are most likely not going to get a good view of anything. What you are doing is talking dear. Just talking. And if there is one thing we twenty-somethings are good at, it is telling people what they want to hear. When you get to the final destination, you will probably watch horror movies, not the romantic comedy you're seeing now.

I understand why society created the talking stage as a preamble to dating. I get it really. But talk is cheap. Wait, the dating thing too is a talking stage if we're keeping it a buck. Everything is talking stage. What is this life?

The talking stage and disappointment go hand in hand sometimes. When you talk, you discover, and when you discover, you expect. And when you expect, you are disappointed. So is there a way around this whole cycle of doom society subjects us to when we attain a certain age? Not really, unless you don't want to do any of it at all.

In my opinion, the talking stage is neither necessary nor unnecessary. It just depends on who's involved. Normally, I'd say it's not necessary at all if you are one of those people who believe it's possible to see what you want and be able to decide immediately. Some of us want to get to know what we're getting into and the rest of us just want to see how much hurt we can inflict on the other person before they get tired and use police to arrest us. You people are such weirdos.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS AND EFFECTIVE ANSWERS

Q: While we're in the talking stage, what are we?

A: Two people who are exchanging words everyday. It really is that simple, I promise.

Q: Am I allowed to talk to other people when I'm in the talking stage with someone?

A: Following the confusion in the first question and answer, I think it would be only fair to spread your wings and talk to as many people as you like. Stay confusing each other.

Q: Do we have to talk every day?

A: I don't think so. But then again, there is such a thing as ghosting. When they stop talking to you for a long time, no explanation, nothing, and your attempts at keeping in touch have failed, you have been ghosted. So know when there's a healthy break in the conversation and know when you've been cut off.

I’ll tell you this for free- all the risks, the frogs you’ll meet, the stress, it is worth it when you find the person that’s home. Life is beautiful and you shouldn’t do it alone if you don’t want to. I know you’re scared of people and that’s justified. The dating pool is so disgusting right now, it’s like someone peed in it many times over. But don’t let that stop you. We deserve love, you and me. So go for it. If e cast, you will be hurt and you will be fine, but if it works out…please invite me to the wedding.